In an age where we are surrounded by computers, TV, mobile phones, and all else that distracts us, the temptation to neglect our vital relationships is a constant. But whether fragile or strong, our relationships lie at the core of our existence. Our relationships now face challenges like never before and the commitment to connection dares us with this question: How are you doing relationally?
God has created us for relationships. From birth to old age, we are wired with an innate need to connect with others in order to live.1 The stronger our connections, the better we are at surviving hardship and suffering. From our bonding with the Lord to our connection with our parents, siblings, friends, and even pets, we find a source of meaning and strength to face the hardest trial. The stronger and more varied our support system is, the better we can navigate an uncertain world.
The Online Surge of Distractions
COVID cooped us up in our rooms with our gadgets in 2020. Working and studying from home became the norm. But even with fewer restrictions and more freedom now, it is a struggle to return to what it was like. Currently, the average Internet user spends six to seven hours per day in online work and two to three hours on social media.
We are appreciative of the advantages of technology, like reaching many people worldwide through Zoom, finding long-lost friends on Facebook, and learning new things through YouTube. But with downsides like pornography and sex apps, scams, blackmail, and darknet tactics, and for the many who have lost money, reputation, and even their identity after being bullied, the Web can be a source of deep shame, pain, and suffering.
Increasing Mental-Health Struggles
A national study has found that, in Singapore alone, one in three youths has mental-health problems.2 Depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and suicide ideation are faced not just by youth but also adults.3 Moreover, according to the World Health Organization, one in every eight persons lives with a mental disorder.4 (A mental disorder is about significant difficulties in emotional regulation, cognitive processes, and behaviours.)
As a generation, we are mentally and emotionally stretched, and not coping well with the realities of life. Some mental-health issues may have existed before COVID. They got worse during the pandemic years.
A Call for Stronger Relationships that Matter
People with stronger relationships are more resilient. Studies have shown that children in families who eat together are at a lower risk for substance abuse, teen pregnancy, depression, obesity, and eating disorders.5 Proximity with significant others in times of crisis lowers anxiety. Accessibility and responsiveness from a stronger and wiser other provide a sense of safety and security.6 Children and adults need a sense of felt security to be able to manage emotions and cope when life is hard.
An Invitation to an Attachment
The capacity for attachment is key to understanding and experiencing an individual’s relationship with God. Lee Kirkpatrick argues that a person’s “perceived relationship” with God meets requirements for attachment: a secure base and a safe haven.7 It is possible to experience God as the loving parent who was never present. Likewise, God can substitute the significant other who has died or left.8
There is one condition: faith that does not depend on anything but a simple and humble trust in the triune God. People who had no experience connecting with significant others in childhood will have challenges in connecting to God. However, it is not impossible to find that connection when faith is present.
Ryan LaMothe sees four purposes for an attachment to God.9 First, it explains our experiences with reality—when life is tough and there are no answers, attachment anchored in faith enables one to trust in God amid uncertainty. Second, it aids in our identity formation, answering the perpetual question, Who am I? Third, it is our source of comfort and hope. Fourth, it is our outlet for spontaneity—the more secure one is in the Lord, the less is the need to control others and the environment.
In a busy world with many distractions, how much time do we spend to nurture a relationship with the Lord in personal and communal ways where faith develops, like Bible study, reflection, and retreats? The commandment to love the Lord with all one’s soul, mind, and strength is a lifestyle (Mark 12:29–30), but relationship with the triune God also needs to be nurtured. And while spiritual maturity is important, it is equally vital to note our emotional health, as observed in the way we treat others and ourselves. Spiritual maturity co-exists with emotional health.10
A Cry for Safe and Loving Relationships
The commandment to love others as oneself (Mark 12:31) is easier said than lived. But when it is experienced, healing and thriving happens. In families and churches, we are nurtured when we feel loved. Scripture is rich in “loving one another” themes. The daily application is always a challenge.
Jack Balswick, Pamela King, and Kevin Reimer write that “The biblical depiction of God’s relationship to human beings is used as a model for how God desires human beings to be in relationship with each other.”? They propose that we thrive and develop in relationships where power, talents, and resources are used to empower, serve, and encourage, not manipulate or control; failures and difficulties in relating are met with grace, not shame, criticism, gossip, and malice; openness and humility are encouraged for community and intimacy, versus isolation; there is a strong commitment to do what’s best for others over selfish gains; and imperfections and brokenness are accepted alongside the will to help each other heal and grow.
Some mental health issues might be addressed or helped within a community offering love, acceptance, and non-judgemental ways. But are we aware of our rejecting, hurtful ways and how we contribute to the pains of others? If we are, we might be able to do what helps to uplift others. And if we are in pain, are there places and people to go to where we can cry freely and not be judged? While counselling, spiritual direction, and some other ways are helpful, can there be more within the body of Christ?
We all respond to acts of love, expressively or not. As humans, we grow under an atmosphere of safety and security. Sadly, the opposite is also true. By God’s grace, we can find ways to create communities where we can grow together and empower each other into maturity.
For Discussion
- In what ways can the church provide a safe and secure atmosphere for hurting people to find some healing connections?
- What are some things we can do to establish stronger relationships with family and friends?
1 John Bowlby, Attachment and Loss: Volume 1; Attachment (New York: Basic Books, 1969).
4 https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/mental-disorders
5 Fred C. Gingrich, “Online Lectures on Emotion Focused Therapy for the School of Counselling” (School of Counselling, November 16–23, 2022).
6 Sue Johnson, “EFT Externship” (Ottawa Couple and Family Institute, June 2005).
7 Lee A. Kirkpatrick, Attachment, Evolution, and the Psychology of Religion (New York: Guilford Press, 2005).
8 Lee A. Kirkpatrick, “An Attachment-Theory Approach to the Psychology of Religion,” in The Psychology of Religion: Theoretical Approaches, ed. Bernard Spilka and Daniel N. McIntosh (Boulder, CO: Westview Press, 1997), 114–133; Richard Beck and Angie McDonald, “Attachment to God: The Attachment to God Inventory, Tests of Working Model Correspondence, and an Exploration of Faith Group Differences,” Journal of Psychology and Theology 32, no. 2 (Summer 2004): 92–103.
9 Ryan LaMothe, “Sacred Objects as Vital Objects: Transitional Objects Reconsidered,” Journal of Psychology and Theology 26, no. 2 (June 1, 1998): 159–167.
10 Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It’s Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature While Remaining Emotionally Immature, Updated. (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2017).
11 Jack O. Balswick, Pamela Ebstyne King, and Kevin S. Reimer, The Reciprocating Self: Human Development in Theological Perspective, 2nd ed., Christian Association for Psychological Studies (CAPS) (Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic, 2016).
